New Move In

Just when David and I were getting used to (!!!!) living just the two of us- it looks like we soon will have another boarder.  My daughter in law sent me this text this morning.  She received it from her sister:

Ashley  said:

"So Brax is being grumpy because he was caught hitting Tucker.  He comes up with the best stuff when he is trying to jab at me in anger.

Brax:  "I don't want to live in Utah."

Lindsay:  "Okay, well, where do you want to live?"

Brax:  "At Peyton's Grandma Melon's house."

Ha-Ha- that made my day.  I've been "On the Mountain Grandma" and "Grandma Marilyn" but never Grandma Melon!  I think it fits!!!!!  Brax is getting double candy at the next Easter Egg Hunt!

A Marilyn-ism

I used to call them Funny Kathy-isms but now I'm taking ownership.


Labor Day weekend, on Saturday, I thought I would get all the groceries for kids coming over for BBQing on Monday.  (David was roping.)  But Monday, I realized that I forgot a couple of things and had to go to the grocery store again.  Before I went, I couldn't remember where I had put the hamburger and cheeses that I purchased on Saturday.  When I got into the car on Monday, I found them.  Woo-wee!  Nothing like meat sitting in a hot car for two days.....

So I got my groceries and was in the check out.  The kid helping me asked if I had a Value card and I said I didn't.  He asked if I wanted one and I said no.  He asked for my phone number....and me being silly answered dramatically, "It's been quite a while since a young man has asked for my phone number."  The checker smiled.  "Well, I'm not a guy...."


Yikes!!!!!  I make myself crazy!  Oh well, another great story for my kids......

Parties and Service

 I'm getting so far behind again in journaling.  Lots going on during the holidays but it has been kind of calm for me (and I'm not complaining!)  Last week was our GNO- hosted by Terri and Brendalyn.  Terri's home is over the top Christmas and the meal was perfect as well.  Great conversation, lots of LOUD laughter and a new Funny Kathy story we've never heard (Kathy represses them and suddenly something jogs her memory.)  Several people were talking about a recent BYU football game where they honored Elaine's dad who recently attended his 70th West Point Academy reunion.  He is quite a remarkable man....was the engineer who was in charge of shutting down Niagara Falls in the 70's- to repair some things, plus he was in charge of temple affairs over in Europe for many years.
The band director played a rousing Sousa March while they honored him on the field with a big screen showing clips from his life.

The Sousa March was the trigger.

Kathy remembered why she gets uncomfortable when the Sousa March is played.

Sometime in the 70's as well, Kathy and Greg were young marrieds and living in Chicago.  It was during the church's big bicentennial celebrations and a huge hall was rented where thousands could attend this pageant of sorts.  There was a band to play the Sousa march...and Kathy was asked with many other young girls to be the marching core.  They had red spandex outfits and glittery gold belts and shoulder thingies.  The evening went well.

About a month later, Kathy received an invitation to a "thank you" luncheon for all those participating.  Kathy then said, "So, let me ask  you, IF you were to read the invitation and at the end it said, "You might want to wear your red spandex costume- would you take that seriously or would you read that sarcastically?" 

Apparently Kathy was the only one who read it seriously....what a grand entrance Kathy made in her red spandex!   We laughed our heads off again, over that one!

We had such a good time- love these friends of mine!

Young Women's-

Our Young Women's activity last week was awesome.  one of my Laurels, Maddie Pardoe planned it.  We went to their house and they had fleece for us to cut and tie for quilts for Primary Children's Hospital.  We were able to make 20 quilts!  We also made dozens of these cute reindeer treats to take to the children as well.  Great activity!

 

Yeah!  We've had some great snowstorms and guess whose darling husband went outside and made ME a snowman!!!!!  It's truly a gift of love.

Snowmen just melt me.......

Reality

 Saw this today and it made me laugh.  Dedicated to my sweet daughters-in-law and B.

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

Super Heros

One of relatives, Kristin  (1st cousin, once removed.  I think this means my cousin's daughter. )  posted this on Facebook.  I LOVE it.  It made me smile all day.

Tonight out of the blue, Charly asked if there really were such things as "bad guys". After a small, yet thorough discussion about these "bad guys" and how to keep ourselves safe, I reassured her that I would be here to do ALL I can to protect her and her brother and sister, with which she replied, "But MOM, you don't even know to do a front handspring and land it."...Apparently this is the new qualification to be able to take down a bad guy.

Little Miss John Wayne

The other day Brandi's Doug told me a tender (ha!) moment between he and Addi (age 6)

Addi wanted to talk to him, then pointed to Brandi off in the distance, and said (in a tough girl voice) something like,

"See her.  She's really nice.  If you don't treat her well, you won't see daylight tomorrow."



WOW!!!  Where does she come UP with these things? (a movie?)  (but of course, when he told me this, I said I agreed....)

Oucha!

~Tenillie's sister Natalie had her first baby yesterday and so Travis and T. ran to the hospital while Sadie was in pre-school and before the other kids came home from school to see the new babycakes.

As they were driving into their neighborhood, they could see that a small crowd had formed....around their son, Boston, who had crashed riding his scooter home from school.  Thankfully there were adults around to help.....but this little guy really did a number on his face (and head.)  Mild concussion.  Broken molar.  30 stitches all the way to the bone in multiple layers on his chin.

I guess he was pretty loopy, both laying on the road and with the doctor.  He didn't want a shot...and said, "Why do I even need a chin.  I've already had stitches in my chin and I don't even want my chin anymore.  What good is a chin?"

He was a trooper and, I hear, VERY brave and entertaining.  It looks so painful and he's going to miss his sports for a week or so.  It could have been worse so we're feeling blessed.

  T. sent me the kid's schedules for the next month and it took 2 pages.  Crazy.  Crazy.  Crazy.  The poor kid (kids!) need a rest! I was exhausted just looking at it....


A friend posted this yesterday and it made it laugh out loud.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what this is?
Kindergartner: It's a 'fricken elephant!
Teacher: African Elephant. Not "A Frican Elephant"

Facebooking It

• Sorry, but I have to plagiarize today.  One of my daughter's neighbor/friends (male) posted this on Facebook yesterday.

  
  

  So I wake up this morning at like 2:30 AM to get my nightly granola bar and peanut butter (which is an entirely different story), and as I’m passing by our front door I gaze out the window that's right next to door and see a dark shadow of a man moving around on my front porch. No kidding! So, in my mostly-still-asleep state I decide that going for the gun will take too much time. Instead, I go ...with a shock-and-awe strategy where I smack the front door and yell loudly through the window “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!” Figuring it would scare the crap out of the perpetrator and send them off running. Turns out, it was the Winder Dairy Man!!! I think he peed his pants. His reaction was priceless and Tammy was laughing about it for the next 15 minutes. Poor guy. I had to apologize to him in my underwear. Not sure what was worse for him.

Biting My Tongue

So, David is the scoutmaster in our Ward.  He's been doing it for several years...which means I am an assistant scout master by marriage.  That means that each month when they have a camp out (every month except Nov. and Dec.)....I am scrambling last minute to get all the food ready for camp (because I am not told until the last minute how many are going and what they want to eat.) This month it was the annual snow cave camp.  Yes, they actually have to dig snow caves and sleep in them.  Just shoot me in the head if I had to do that!  


Now I realize that David and I are salt and pepper  on most things.  I, as a camper, would send everything but the kitchen sink...and I would probably throw that in as well if it fit.


David is a minimalist.  I quit camping at Lake Powell because it just wasn't worth arguing that I needed a chair to sit on in the sand. Or something besides a cooler to put food on.


Since the snow caves were next to a plush cabin (I know, not totally roughing it).....and ovens were available, we decided that Papa Murphy's pizzas were an easy dinner.  I went to Papa Murphy's and stood in line while they made 6 honkin' pizzas.  The instructions said not to stack them on top of each other.  Did I mention they were honkin'?


When David was packing the coolers and saw the gigantic pizzas, he said, "Now how am I going to fit those in the cooler?"  He was totally going to fold them up and stuff them in there.


I must admit, it was a titch frustrating as I tried to tell him how the pizzas needed to be transported. Not stuffed.  Not stacked.  And I must admit that the conversation ended with me finally saying, "You know, pack them however you want.  I'm done."  (I didn't really say "I'm done."  I just thought it.....)


Sometimes you just have to realize that you're not in the driver's seat.


I realize as each year passes, how more like his father he becomes. (Luckily I LOVED his father!)  His dad was a great mother, or rather, father of invention. Like when my MIL wanted a bicycle to ride...and he rigged up a bike so it was stationary....with a pulley system with a cow head attached to the ropes.  My MIL was instructed to sit on the bicycle...and pedal forward, then backward....so the cow's head would jerk back and forth and my FIL could practice cutting with his horse.


My MIL took one look at that contraption and marched back into the house.


Done.....


Back to my scout-
A few minutes later, David called me out to the truck to see his new invention for the pizza carrier.


He toggled two sleds together with the pizza inside.  Yes, they were stacked...but dang!   He got me.  It made me laugh.

A scout smiles and whistles under all circumstances.  Robert Baden-Powell

Funny Friends

I don't have a profile picture on my Facebook account so my funny evil dear friend J. found one for me.

J. knows how I feel about these guys. I replied that BB guns and tainted meat came to mind. (kidding.) (well, kind of....)(really, magpies drive me nuts...)

I also mentioned that the picture also reminded me of conversations with her in the car.

You see, we were having a serious conversation while sitting in her driveway. I have flashies out the corner of my left eye (old age) so when I kept seeing things fluttering off to the side, I didn't give it a second thought. Then I saw them to the right. What started with a few kept doubling and doubling.  

We're talking easily a hundred birds or more.  Magpies. They swarmed her yard. They swarmed her trees. I was freaking out! She was thinking I brought "evilness" to her house. We didn't know whether to sit in the car until we were pecked to death or make a run for the house. It was surreal!

J. also sent me this picture, since it reminded her of me as well:

She said:

Oh...and one more. The only thing that isn't realistic about you in this photo is that you're still holding on to your purse.

I replied that it wasn't realistic that I was wearing a belt either. Oh, those were the days....

The Birds was the scariest movie experience I had as a child. Nightmares galore. It was repeated on television when I was a teen....and once after I watched it, I heard this "flutter,flutter,flutter" coming from the fireplace. I got closer and closer. "Flutter, flutter." then OUT shot a bird from the flue. MAN! I was screaming my head off. My parents were down at the boat dock and came running. They saved the day. But what are the odds that at the moment I finished watching The Birds, one would fly out of our fireplace? What are the odds that while we are sitting having conversation, that birds would swamp J.'s house?

Kind of Hitchcockie....

Images of people's eyes being pecked out came to mind.

Thanks J. for making me snort out loud. Thanks for reoccuring nightmares. I found this item I wished I could send you for your birthday. Too bad it was sold out.

p.s. it is a sign of pure class, when you're being attacked by birds, to continue to carry your purse and run in high heels. Fiction doesn't get any better than that!

The Geek Takes on Sports....

I’ve been thinking about embarrassing moments for some reason. As you can imagine, I have more than my fair share. I have regularly done ridiculous things my entire life....and have lived regardlessly. I have shared many in this forum but, of course, not the worst ones. The worst ones hopefully will stay put in my brain and my children won’t remember them to share at family gatherings. So I won’t be, you know, the entertainment. When we went to the BYU game the other night, it got me thinking about the millions of games- football, soccer, basketball, some wrestling, baseball- that I attended through the years with four boys. David complains about all the parades he went to (ha!) and dance performances with one daughter but I would like him to times that by 4. You would have thought I would have/could have learned to LOVE the game. Well, actually I didn’t mind baseball at all. But football was the worst. One year I had 3 boys playing football at once. Three boys times five practices a week plus games on Saturday. All day. I think that is when my brain started seeping out of my head. But as I’ve pondered some special moments, I think I realize where I took a wrong turn. Subconsciously my body was reliving embarrassing moments and lived in terror that another one was just around the corner.

For instance, let’s just address Travis. It was time for him to start football. His dad had been a high school quarterback and sports was entirely in Travis’s blood. He came out of the womb throwing a spiral football. As you know, I wasn’t really sportsie. Although I did seem to excel in PE when younger, the older I’ve gotten, the more ridiculous I’ve performed. I’ve never been able to concentrate on reading the rule-books so I've always been clueless on procedure and game plays. Oh well. And you can imagine how long some of those games lasted for an attention-deficit person, who, well, wasn’t really interested. I was interested in the boys and wanted to support them but I could have done a MUCH better job “enjoying” their sports. I think maybe I “kind of” enjoyed them a little bit but giving up all day Saturday each week, plus going from one ball field to another, plus always chasing a baby or little kids around, plus not knowing what was going on was.....a long day. But like I said, maybe some of the reason for my lack of enjoyment was I had suppressed experiences holding me back.

I’ll tell the second one first. Travis and football. Travis was a star. He excelled in everything he did. At one game, he intercepted the ball near the other teams goal line and ran it clear to the other end of the field, bodies flying everywhere in his path, for a touchdown. I knew he couldn’t do it without me because I ran the entire length of the field, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down...I didn’t care who heard me cause my boy was scoring a touchdown! You can imagine what kind of a scene I could make. But then, I had to pridefully saunter back to my spot along the sidelines through all the parents. My boy just scored a touchdown and “I” helped him the entire way. I could see David’s face, his eyes rolling in the back of his head which was shaking. Then he pointed out to the field. “What, what?” I questioned. He was pointing to a yellow flag that had fallen at the beginning of the play. The yellow flag that everyone else had seen except me (Travis didn’t count...he didn’t have time for yellow flags. He was just about getting the job done!) So all my running and yelling and jumping up and down was just....for humiliation I guess.

But I had already been there. Because this is how Travis’s ball career began.

I don’t know if you have ever been to Little League sign-ups. Especially at football, there were a million dads, all ex-football players with excess testosterone. Imagining their sons filling their shoes. A lot of back slapping and chest bumping and growling going on. David was out of town on a water skiing trip with the boys so I got the privilege of going to football sign-ups alone. For the first time. There I was in a sea of the male species who were already bonding in a way I couldn’t and would never understand. Hundreds. Literally hundreds of men and their little clone boys. All talking the sport. Already tackling and head butting and well, acting totally like boys.

I stood in line. There were many lines and there I stood, surrounded by a sea of foreign bodies. Finally, I got to the front of the equipment line, gave the male equipment manager, form-taker, my form. And he proceeded to give me my son’s uniform and shoulder pads and socks and jersey. It was quite an armful.

So then, perky me, trying to act as if this was as exciting as braiding Brandi’s hair into 312 little braids and curling the ends so she would look like every other drill team spiral-curled dancer at every drill team competition, I said, “Do I need anything else?” The guy paused and said, “Do you want to buy a cup?” I could almost hear that whole swarm of men quiet down. The earth stood still. You could have heard a pin drop. All eyes were focused on me, this young mother-girl, this ninny, this sports clueless blonde as I squealed, “Oh how cool! Little cups! Does everyone put their names on them?”

Oh, not so much about drinking cups.

Sometimes I still hear the dead silence and then the roar of laughter. It is not always easy being a sports geek.

The Sunday Funnies

This morning Casey shared with me a story from his friend, Brian. Casey and Brian worked together at BYU as sport's camp counselors and Casey tells me he is the greatest storyteller. First he told me about a story about Brian's dad, who was getting ready to eat a big brownie. The brownie had powdered sugar on top, and before he took a bite, he inhaled, causing all the powdered sugar to inhale up his throat and lungs and he them tells this great story about his dad "almost dying" with the powered sugar attack. Then today, Casey receives this email from his friend:

"Oh man, I just heard another great story about my dad. Do you remember the powdered sugar brownie story? This one may be its rival. Well, this fool likes to have himself a handful of chocolate chips every now and then, but my mom keeps a pretty close eye on that type of thing. So he has to restrict himself to only taking a small unrecognizable amount at a time. However, once in a blue moon he will lose control and take an extra couple handfuls, from which there is no return. In this case there is only one logical thing to do - go to the store and buy another bag, make an identical incision in the bag so as to match the one he so shamefully devoured, and remove just enough chips from the new bag in order to fool my ever so meticulous mother. Then you discard the empty bag in a neighbors trash can and you are home free. The plan was working so well! But the next day my mom enters the living room and awakes my father with a loud, "Donald!" As his vision begins to focus he can see an angry woman holding a small, yet terrifying bag of chocolate chips from the cupboard. A guilty expression wipes across his face as he tries to figure what he did wrong. Did he open the bag from the wrong side? Did he leave the wrong amount in the bag? Then my mom breaks the silence with, "I always buy semi-sweet, not milk chocolate. Better luck next time, fatty."

Later, man. Brian


Oh my!!!!

I Should Have Been A Cowboy

So, I married a guy that loves horses. Only he fooled me. He wore Levi's when I met him. I didn’t see Wranglers until we had been married A LONG TIME. I loved him in Levi's. That's why we had 5 kids, for Pete’s sake! I was clueless. Real cowboys wear Wranglers...who knew? We might have had less kids!

Well, I knew he grew up on a ranch but heck, I grew up next to a stockyard and I didn’t love it! He still thinks manure smells like perfume. So much for my REALLY EXPENSIVE Juicy Couture. (see A Few of My Favorite Things... )

I’ve been thinking about tailbones today. At the family reunion this past weekend, some of the family rented large tubes to raft the river. Marci, our angel-voiced, gene-improving daughter-in-law seriously thought she had a near death experience. She’s kind of fragile. But her tail bone really took a beating. She was whimpering. That sounded familiar.

I had a similar near death experience. David and I were engaged. We went for the weekend to his family’s summer ranch, near Gray’s Lake, Idaho. His older, married cousin and wife went with us. Since Bonnie had ridden even less than I had, she got the gentle sissy horse I would normally ride. I got the big black devil that had bucked his dad off the day before. I should have figured out a thing or two right then. My man just doesn’t have good judgement when it comes to me and horses.

We rode off into the horizon. It was just like in the movies. We rode a couple of miles from the ranch house until we found a herd of cattle. David and his latent cowboy cousin decided to impress us blondes with their ropin' ability. Boy, was I impressed. I figured out pretty quick that when they started swinging the ropes, our horses would skitter and spook a little. So, I thought I would be cautious and ride out of the way. I rode over the little crest of a hill....out of sight....big mistake. That big, black devil horse knew he had a ninny on his back and he smelled home. I didn’t know horses could run a hundred miles an hour right through the barren wasteland (sorry, Idaho) filled with millions, yes, millions of rock chuck holes...that David had previously pointed out to me as the reason you didn’t gallop your horse through there. I felt like I was running through a mine field! I was pulling on the reins as hard as I could. But you know how I said I wasn’t too athletic? This just proves my point. No arm strength. And I’m a pullin’ and the horse is galloping faster and faster and it is a bad news picture all around. And then I see the ranch house in my vision, divided by a rail fence. It is coming up as fast as Greg W. on the jet ski at Lake Powell. You know, the brilliant friend who landed the jet ski IN the ski boat. (see BOAT ON!) But I digress. So here I am, galloping, galloping, long blonde hair whipping behind me. And the fence is coming closer, closer. Now, I’m no dummy. I KNOW that this horse is going way too fast to be able to stop abruptly before the fence. And I didn’t think the horse was so dumb that he would plow THROUGH the fence. So what other option is left? I knew. I had seen enough cowboy/Indian shows to know how it’s done. You just stay loose in the saddle, stay with the horse as it JUMPS smoothly over the fence just like in the movies. So I was loose. So loose that when that stinkin’ horse made a 180 degree turn exactly at the fence line (he was a demon!) I flew in the air and twisted totally around so that my backside hit the fencepost- CRASH! I slithered down the pole, dazed, in a cloud of dust. My future mother-in-law and youngest future B-I-L, about 10-years-old at the time , watched the whole amazing thing from the picture window of the ranch house and ran out to rescue me. My F-MIL lovingly helped me stand and limp towards the house. My F-BIL, that show-off ten-year-old, chased down the demon horse, then jumped up in the saddle and yelled back as he tore off (on that same manic horse!) that he’d better tell David that I was MIA. Yes, that is right. Mr. FCBH (Future-Cowboy-Husband) hadn’t even missed me. He was having so much fun with his ropes, he didn’t even KNOW I was on a runaway horse. Don’t you think he should have, I don’t know, "sensed" that his future bride WAS IN TROUBLE?!!! So I drug myself toward the house with zero pride, turned on the big front porch, looked out on the horizon just in time to see the show-off brother meet Mr. FCBH to tell him the good news. Okay, this part was right out of the movies! Honestly, it was! Mr.FCBH just galloping through those mine fields a hundred miles per hour, not caring that his life was in rock chuck danger....rode a hundred miles an hour right up to the lawn (I don’t know how he got over the fence, but honestly, he was right there, that fast, up on the lawn) and slid/jumped off his horse and ran to my side.... "Are you alright," he questioned while taking me in his arms (honest!)...and immediately... I broke out bawling. Big, bawling baby, I know. And the tailbone. It was broken. Luckily there is a happy ending (heh, a pun!) I now have a pokie-outie bone that sticks out a little so it makes it impossible for me to do sit-ups without an instant owie! It sure was a sacrifice to cut sit-ups out of my daily routine. (Thank you, Black Demon!)

I’ve tried to block this experience out of my memory bank but my sweet DIL, Marci with-the-angel-voice and improved-gene-pool, had to bring up the tailbone thing. I wasn’t too sympathetic. After all, how in the heck does an inner tube compare with a runaway horse?! And then I read this experience in the paper and it brought the nightmare all back.

The article told of an inexperienced rider, just like me, and of a runaway horse. I get shivers just thinking about it! The horse made a breakaway, just like my black demon, but the rider was even more un-athletic than me (is that humanly possible?) And she starts to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. (I hadn’t even thought of that. I was too busy saying, "Whoa, whoa" or "You just stop running right now! Cause I said so, that’s why!" or something like that...) She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side. ( I would have been scared to death!) The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. (I know it was probably Black Demon’s brother....) Finally, giving up her frail grip, the woman actually attempted to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Can you even imagine the horror of that moment? It gives me shivers. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. (Okay, I now know why my blog is rated "R"...because of this graphic content!) As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Can I just say, I’m not a cowgirl! Thanks, Marci, for helping me re-live the nightmare!

Beware This Site! Adult Material Included!

How weird is this? I learned about this "blog rating" site....you type in your address and it will give your blog a rating. This blog is rated "R." This blog that is about family and friends and the gospel and the spirit and joy and cooking and poetry is rated "R." The reason why it is rated "R" is because I have used the words:

breasts- 4 times

death- a few times

stab- once

This is incredible news. I do remember posting several recipes that called for chicken breasts....who knew? And, gee, I didn't know that "death" was something we cover our children's ears about. And stab? Did I stab my toe with something or take a stab at something, I don't know. What I just realized is that I used those three words again in this post. Now I'll REALLY be R-ated, maybe even X-ed. What is really funny is that I am the "biggest" censor when it comes to movies. No R-rated. Nada. Don't see most PG-13's if I've heard they are foul although I've seen plenty I wished I hadn't. Bad language is probably one of my biggest don't do's. Shut-up is even a swear word at our house. And here I am, r-rated! Go figure...

Just for laughs...

Two and a half years ago, when we bought this property, we did a full remodel. I had many plumbing fixtures to buy and bought half at a "real" plumbing supply place and the other half at Home Depot or Lowes. My kitchen faucet sprung a leak two weeks ago, and the plumber, of course, could not find a cartridge replacement....since I probably got it at Home Depot or Lowes. So I headed out to buy a new kitchen faucet. I went to the 'real" plumbing place and had to pick myself up on the floor. Kitchen sink faucets went up into the $2,000 mark! The median price was $475.....and I quickly realized why I went to the discount, big box stores! I ended up getting one of the lower priced models, but stopped by the discounts on the way home to make sure my old model wasn't there. That is how they make money. They discontinue a product months after carrying it and replacement parts are not available, thus you buy a new product. When we were doing the remodel, I got a price for replacement windows. I immediately called Pella since they are who we used in the last home that we built (Cathy's home now.) The bid was like $50,000 dollars for replacements, and our home is 1000 sq. feet smaller than our last ! Well, I hope Cathy is enjoying her Pella's cause this girl doesn't have'em! So, when mom sent me this today, I had a good laugh.

Dear Lowes,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Helloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales person at Lowe's had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up ... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument

Sincerely Not so Dumb Blonde


NOT!!!

Family Album

Okay, I'm waiting for a ride and have a few minutes that I didn't plan on so I'm ready for fun. Here's a few pictures from the family album called "I Look Like My Dog." Enjoy!

p.s. We don't have a dog....

On a Lighter Vein...I Am "Dumb People"

Okay, things have been a little sad and reflective lately on my blog. Last night I called my parents in Washington and asked what they were doing. They answered ,"Just checking out the obituaries online in Idaho and Moses Lake, Washington (the town where I grew up.) It reminded me of a "Friends" episode (I had to quit watching after season one because of the story lines....) Someone walks in to Phoebe’s apartment. She’s sitting at the table with the newspaper and telephone book and a marking pen. They ask what she is up to and she’s crossing off names in the phone book from the obituary column (to keep it updated!)! Kind of like what my parents were doing.

So, some humor. I have to go back to Tanner and I (who have the most embarrassing experiences in the family album.) Imagine David’s parents coming through to visit from Idaho on their way to St. George. They have brought my father-in-law's sister, Aunt Donna and her husband, Uncle Rob. They have a nice dinner with us and spend the night. It is time for family prayer and we all kneel at chairs around the table. I’m not sure which of the married kids are living with us but Tanner is probably about twelve or so. David calls on Tanner to give the family prayer and while he is praying, he says, "And thank you that our "ancestors" could be with us tonight." Okay, everyone is busting up (well, at least MY family!) and trying hard to not laugh out loud. But we are sitting so close to each other that I can feel the shoulders of the people on either side of me shaking which makes me laugh even more! So I decide to lean back on my feet so I can’t make bodily contact with anyone so I can get a hold of myself....and as I lean back, I "toot!" I mean a rip-toot! Tanner is still praying and blessing and I am beside myself so as soon as the prayer FINALLY ends, I just high-tail it off to the bedroom, trying hard not to wet my pants cause I’m laughing so hard....and lock myself in the room and don’t come out the rest of the evening. Yep, that’s what kind of hostess-with-the-mostest I am.......

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Husband: I always tell mine he's the best I've ever had!

Favorite dessert: 

Banana Cake from The Garden Path restaurant in Draper

or chocolate pudding cake (I have a great and easy recipe-see below)

or the raspberry almond torte from Market Street Grill

or any really good bread pudding with to-die-for-sauce

or chocolate Texas sheetcake

or anything with cream cheese (you’re starting to get the idea)

EASY MOLTEN CAKES
8 oz. milk chocolate chips
4 T. butter, softened
1/3 cup sugar
pinch of salt
3 eggs
1/3 cup flour

Melt chocolate in glass bowl in microwave,
cooking for 30 second intervals and mixing
until smooth.

Cream butter, sugar and salt together. Add eggs,
one at a time, stirring until mixed. Add flour
gradually while mixing. You don’t mix this batter
too much. Fold in the melted chocolate.

Spray 6 small ramekins with Pam and divide
batter into dishes. Bake on cookie sheet at 400 degrees
for 10-12 minutes.

The center should look moist or undercooked. If you
overcook these, even just minutes, you’ll have a brownie instead of molten cake.
Allow to sit for a couple of minutes then cut around
cake with knife to separate from bowl and place saucer
on top of ramekin, flip and cake will drop out. Serve warm
with vanilla bean ice cream or whipped cream and
raspberries.

Favorite cologne: Juicy Couture (pricey but sweet!) (Recently this really cute GQ looking boy asked me what I was wearing cause he wanted to get it for his girlfriend......)







Favorite color: My signature color is YELLOW! It makes me happy.







Favorite shoes: flip flops (I have rather peasant feet. Some of my friends have these dainty, china doll feet. Mine look like I had a career of stomping grapes or stomping out fires. And they looked like they have walked to China as well. They are not a pretty sight.....sigh...)

Favorite Son-in-Law story: My son-in-law, Ryan, does wonderful kitchen design work and designed my fabulous kitchen. One day he was at work and they were having a meeting and one of the other designers was having problems visualizing what his client had in mind. As he was trying to describe the island, my son-in-law piped in, "Oh, I know what you want...you want fat, chunky legs like my mother-in-laws!" Everyone started laughing.....( I love this story!) (and we HOPE he was taking about the legs on my island!)

Favorite name: I answer to many: Marilyn, Honey, Mom, Mother, "On-The-Mountain-Grandma" (you never know what your grandkids are going to call you...who would’ve thought up this one! But Parker did and all the kids call me this), Grandma Lillums (Rylee can’t say her "w’s") Sweetie Pie, Mair-Bear (or is it Mair- Bare?) Mrs. W........ or Sister W......... or frequently, "Hey you....." One of my WORST days was being called "Ma'am" by a kid at the grocery store. I remember I came home and cried!

Favorite joke on myself: We do have some classic stories in the family...mostly about me....or Tanner. We do the dumbest things. My best one is this.

I had gone to a garden store and this nice young man (maybe late twenties) was so helpful dragging around my little wagon and heaving heavy pots for me. He had this really cute accent and so I said, (and you have to almost hear my voice because I don’t say it, I act it-and use my best "foreign" accent) "So...what is this accent we speak with?" To which he replied, "No accent, just a speech impediment....." (Okay, I am dying now....but can I leave it alone....nooooo.) I say, "Well, it sounds French...I’d play it up!"

Duh! What a twit! My family LOVES to mock me with this one!

Favorite restaurant: in Salt Lake Valley- Harry’s or Ruby River Steak House

Favorite anywhere restaurant: hands down- Shrimp Scampi at The Cheesecake Factory. If I lived within 5 hours of a Cheesecake Factory, I would NEVER find a bathing suit to fit. But I would Not HAVE any vampires after me since the scampi is loaded with sweet garlic....yummmm

Latest confession: You know how I said that about the GQ boy telling me he loved my perfume. I just made that up. I was afraid if I just said "Juicy Couture", you really wouldn’t know how good it was.....since I don't know how to do a "scratch and sniff here on my blog and I WANTED you to know how good it is.... (can you tell I love creative writing....)

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN...ERRGGG!

I wrote an email letter to a friend last night and I thought I would post part of it for posterity. But, be warned, it is a horror story. X-rated. Graphic images. Proceed with Caution. Nightmares may follow. I had the frightening opportunity to go to the store yesterday to try on bathing suits for our Lake Powell trip. I needed increased courage to go into the store since I knew that I would need to get a bigger size. So I fortified myself with a Crownburger and fries (okay, the drink was DIET! And the hamburger was the Jr. size!) in the parking lot before going in. I headed right to the BIG Girls section and quickly picked out several suits. I have decided you "just have to go for it...no whining...just jetski into the dressing room and dive in." Well, apparently getting a tankini top over your head isn't something you should do flippantly. It should not be rushed. You can't just jerk the top over your head... what was I thinking? I got the thing over my head...and honestly got myself so tangled up, I thought I was in a STRAIT JACKET! What do I mean "thought"- my arms were criss-crossed over my chest, I was squishing out here and there and I couldn't get the thing to go up or down. I was being held hostage by a bathing suit top! Errggg! Then I was checking out the ceiling for hidden cameras, thinking maybe this was Candid Camera or I was being Punkd, and was praying the fire alarms weren't planning on going off anytime soon.....and then I got the giggles and REALLY needed the ladies room -can I just tell you how hysterical (not to mention pathetic!) I looked in the mirror! I looked like those lobsters in the tank at the grocery store all bound up, with my flippers tied over my head. When I FINALLY got myself untangled, I was thinking "My word, how BIG of a suit do I need?"....then I saw that the tag was mismatched with the hanger and saw it was really two sizes SMALLER. Okay, THAT explains it. I laughed all the way out to the car. Can I just say, it is better to laugh than cry! I'm thinking I had better do my shopping at Cabella's...in the tent section.

THE TOP TEN LIST

Ten Reasons To Be Happy Today (well, really 11)
1. Parker- age 8 (who made me a Grandma!)
2. Joshua- age 6, almost 7
3. Gracie- age 5
4. Rylee-age 4 almost 5
5. Hallee- age 3
6. Heidi- age 3
7. Boston- almost 2
8. Elijah- almost 2
9. Addison- age 1
10. Noah- almost born (within two weeks)
11. Baby no-name (Devon or Nash?)- almost born (within the month)

Nine OTHER really good reasons-
1. My cute pool boy, David, with great legs. I always said I married him for his legs. Once, when we were newly weds, we were skiing at Sundance Ski Resort. I was sitting on the passenger side of the car, putting on my boots when I looked up, and Robert Redford was standing just about 15 feet from me. My first thought wasn’t, "Oh my gosh, he’s so handsome! My first thought was, "Wow, David’s legs are much better looking than Robert Redford’s!" True story.

2. My only daughter, Brandi, my joy and my example

3. And her cute husband, Ryan (who is always smiling)

4. My son Ryan ( referred to as "our Ryan" as opposed to Ryan Campbell, Brandi’s Ryan) (There should be rules about marrying a boy with the same name as your brother.....) anyway, my boy full of surprises and opportunities.

5. And his talented, very pregnant, sings-like-an-angel wife, Marci

6. Travis- who gave me the most gray hairs, who is our fireball of fun, who turns 30 tomorrow!

7. And his beautiful almost-ready-to-pop wife, Tenille, who sometimes makes Grandpa Williams clog with her at Lake Powell (just the thought of it makes me laugh!)

8. Ben, my mountain boy on his way to Alaska, who (the family always says) is "cuter than Brad Pitt", who turned my gray hairs white,
and

9. Tanner, my baby, my recently-returned missionary, who REALLY NEEDS A DATE!

Yep, pretty much 9 and 10 reasons to get up each day!

Eight ridiculous comments my family made today, in response to my trying to educate them on the perils of Electromagnetic Pulse. (If you have never heard of this, look it up on the Internet...it will scare the whoop-t-doo out of you!) Basically, if another country shoots a nuclear missile over the United States, it causes all electric currents, wiring, conduits to melt. So, no communications, no transportation, no production of food, no nothing and the United States immediately being reduced to a third world country. Iran has said it will do this to bring the U.S. to its knees.... The Deseret News had a two page article on this a couple of months ago and I’m still shaking. So, it’s been on my mind and thought it might be a worthy discussion around the kitchen counter.(Those involved: myself, David the skeptic, Tanner and Cousin Casey who had to add their two cents worth!)

1. "They have also been saying that we are going to have an earthquake and it hasn’t happened. I would be more worried about an earthquake." (Oh, I guess we can just worry or prepare for one thing.)

2. "Well, at least I wouldn’t have to get a job!"(Tanner)

3. "Or keep going to work." (Cousin Casey)

4. David said, "I’ve done my part. That’s why I have horses. They don’t have any electrical parts."

5. "We could do a lot more golfing if we didn’t have to go to work." (Both Tanner and Casey) "That doesn’t take electricity!"

6. "No," replied David, "you two wouldn’t go golfing if you didn’t have a golf cart!" "Good point," the two boys acknowledged.

7. (I’m starting to get frustrated) "Okay, you guys, I can tell no one is serious about this but it IS a serious issue and I think we need to formulate a plan!"

8. David: "I think I am going to have to cut off your Internet privileges......"

Seven things I "ate" today:

1. Bowl of Honeynut Cherrios with skim milk

2. Nums/nums in nursery (translated: fruit chews and gold fish crackers)

3. Baked ripple potato chips with dip left over from party last night (the chips had no fat/ the dip was total fat... they cancel each other out in my book....)

4. Caffeine-free Diet Coke. Okay, two.

5. Seasoned chicken for Chicken Alfredo. By the time the noodles were cooked, I was already full from nibbling on the chicken and chips and Coke......so no fettucini or Alfredo. Makes me want to look up "Alfredo" on the Internet to find out more about him. I know, I AM that weird..... (I really DID Google "Alfredo"- " Who was Alfredo then? Alfredo di Lelio, this was his full name, was an inspired cook who proposed this new exciting dish in the restaurant he opened in Rome in 1914" So, now you know....)

6. One Reese’s Peanut Butter cookie bar....I made them for David to take to one of the families he home teaches since the wife had a birthday this month. They are no- bake and really delicious. I’ll make them again.

7. Okay, now I am really freaked out. It is only 4:25 in the afternoon and I can only eat one more thing?!!!

Six notes to write or cards to send...
1. To some who spoke in Church today...their talks touched me.

2. To Tiffany Pardoe, whom I really don’t know in our Ward. She came into nursery to drop her little girl off and saw that I was alone (the two other people didn’t show) and said, "I’ll be back after my little boy’s talk to help you." You can tell a lot about someone when they don’t say "Let me know if I can help" but rather see the need and do it.

3. Money to Leisa Root for picking up the "fire-starters" for me for my 72-hour kits.

4. A birthday note to Trish Morrison to send with the book I got her for her birthday.

I was Trish’s Visiting Teacher about 12 years ago. I always give her a book for her birthday even though I haven’t taught her for years and for some of those years, didn’t even live in the same Ward. We may not even see each other forever, but she knows I will send her a book for her birthday. It is usually a children’s book...something funny. This year it is "The Gift of Nothing"...pretty cute. Trish moved away this year so I'll need to track down her address.

5. Pay bills before going out of town.

6. Mother’s Day Cards?!!!

Five things to do tomorrow: (oh, I wish there were only five!)
1. Do the above.
2. Read at least 3 chapters of the Book of Mormon
3. Watch kiddo’s in the morning (while Visiting Teachers are here)
4. Have some down time with Cathy and find out all about the funeral, etc.
5. Clean the pantry...it is driving me crazy!

Four spiritual thoughts I heard today:
1. "Never let your faith be difficult to detect." J. Reuben Clark
2. "I always know when I am speaking under the influence of the Holy Ghost because I always learn something from what I have said." Marion G. Romney
3. "You can’t give what you haven’t got, any more than you can come back from a place you haven’t been.
4. "No greater responsibility rests upon any man or woman than to be a teacher of little children."
Three traits I need to work on in my life:
1. Don’t be so needy. Why do I need constant affirmation?
2. Exercise. Can I just say I’m not interested?
3. Eating. Can I just say I’m TOO interested?
Two of my favorite words:
"Thank you....."
One word that describes me.
"Blessed....."

The End