So, I haven't felt really well for a long time. You know how uncoordinated I am- I go from one accident to another-
My dad used to call me Twinkle Toes. He was being nice....
I have used the word "slug" about a million times to describe me over the last while. I have been frustrated that I can't do the things I used to do. People say to me all the time about all the things I do and have going on. I USED to be a busy, viable person with lots of energy for projects.
A few years ago, we had just gotten pavers on our sidewalk and porch in front of our house. It made the whole porch so much higher, especially from the side. I was carrying a huge pot of a giant tomato plant and tripped and crashed...you remember the story. It was several months before I went to the Dr.'s to find I had torn my rotator cuff and bicep. The recovery wasn't pleasant- I got lymphedema under my arm and in one arm and hand. The treatment for both the shoulder and arm and hand took forever- almost a year and a half. Things have gone downhill since then.
David and I worked at the Draper Temple for 3 years. There are two massive, double staircases that literally I would go up and down about 10 times during a shift. No problem. I worked there a few months after my fall- and found I couldn't go up and down the staircases without considerable panting and labored breathing. I thought "What the heck?"
When I went on girlfriend trips, we always go on brisk walks. No brisk walking for me. I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep up and again, could hardly breathe.
I find myself doing less- around the house, socially, yard wise because everything is just getting exhausting. I have been very disgusted with myself. We went on our family cruise in January and it was so wonderful! We really had a great time. But by the time we got to Puerto Rico, and the plan was just walking and sightseeing, I remember getting off the ship, and walking to the gateway, (it was HOT) and saying to David, "I think I'm gonna pass on this." and I went back to our cabin and took a nap. I kept thinking, "Marilyn, you MISSED Puerto Rico!" But I didn't really care. It didn't seem worth the effort.
A couple of months ago, I thought I would start doing water aerobics again (we have a pool- how hard is that?) David and I went down to swim....and I lasted 5 minutes before I started gasping- "I can't breathe!" David thought I was nuts.
Last November, I was scheduled for a colonoscopy. Just before I went, I said to my Dr. that I was more worried about my breathing and increased coughing and could she also schedule a endoscopy. She said yes. The results came back that my esophagus was totally inflamed. I started seeing an ENT in February after the cruise and was diagnosed with GERD- which is silent reflux. It is so silent I had no idea that I had it but it was burning me up. They gave me lots of meds and had me go to a vocal coach to do singing exercises to get different muscles tightened up (I still can't sing...) and they told me I need to suppress the coughing because it was making it worse.
I tried. I really did. But the coughing just got worse. And the breathing.
Then I broke my back horseback riding in Sept. Again, pain and agony and a reason I was tired and achy and coughie.
I went to my Dr. I said, " I hate to be a baby but something is wrong with me. Well, everything is wrong with me but I honestly can't breathe." She said she'd get to the bottom of it.
She scheduled me me with a zillion Drs and a trillion x-rays. One x-ray showed my diaphragm pushed up into my lung. She scheduled me for a chest CT scan. The technician was being cute and just casually asked when I would be talking to my doctor. That was a clue.
It showed that my left lower lung had collapsed. I googled all the ways they blow it up. People get collapsed lungs all the time. Or so I heard.
I was scheduled with the pulmonologist but of course, that took several weeks. (That's another story- this Dr. is a good friend of our neighbors, The Larsen's, and I always tease Cari about "Dr. Pearl this and Dr. Pearl that." I was embarrassed I then had to see him....)
Dr. Pearl was delightful. The news wasn't. He couldn't blow up my lung. Apparently when I fell with the stinkin' tomato (or maybe some other incident- I don't really know)- I injured the phrenic nerve in the left diaphragm- which was now paralyzed. The diaphragm is the muscle that pumps your lung so air goes in and out. It can't do that anymore.
Oh.
The lung is there it just can't work. They can't fix my diaphragm. There was a pause in the office.
I was not expecting that.
If it had just happened, I would have thrown a funeral for my diaphragm but two years after the fact- it kind of loses it punch. At least I could have a farewell party for my lung- but frankly, that sounds like too much work.
I had quiet time on the way home from the Dr.'s (thankfully, David was with me.) I shed a few tears but not many. I couldn't have filled a teaspoon. But I did see my life flash before me while I took a tubby to calm myself down.
Then I had a heart to heart with Heavenly Father. He said, "We've got this." and immediately I felt better. It is what it is. I always work better under pressure and this is a good reminder to get my ducks in a row and make sure the important things are said and done. I read on this blog all the things that have happened in the last two years- so much fun and tender things- and realize that my life will go on. I will have a new normal. At least now I know what I am dealing with. I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends and I'm sure I will play the "invalid" card until it runs dry....but life is good! And each day that I wake up, I will rejoice that today I can breathe! (Labored but it will do!)
P.S. My one GOOD lung is working it's tail off. I have now declared it as my favorite body part!!!! Who knew?
